Running on. Why I run at 5:30 and love it.

So creepy! I thought this was going to be an artsy picture of me running in the morning. Instead it’s super creepy and will motivate 0 people to run with me.

There was a time when I was so stressed out from Dad being in the hospital that I would talk myself into walking out of the front door and back in the side door of the hospital. Those 4 minutes were filled with anxiety. What if something happens when I’m gone? That “something” was that Dad might die. We couldn’t even say it out loud at the time. (If you are at this point right now, I liked this article. It was directed at college students, but I think a lot of it applies).

And then Dad did die. And I was there and it was sad and quiet and lonely and peaceful and awful. I trust that those of you that have been there when someone you love has died, you can relate. It is not one thing. It’s all of those things. And for the days that followed I slept and ate as a robot- on command from my stomach or brain when physically there was no other choice.

It’s been five years since then. And there are still times when physically, my body reacts as it did in those days. A glance at my phone to see that I have 4 missed calls can do it. Anytime the place where Mom lives calls. The smell of the hand sanitizer that they used in the ICU that randomly shows up. I can feel my shoulders rise and my chest tighten until I listen to the message, or call someone back. Or until the smell goes away. If I talk about it or speak about what is happening, that helps. But it’s hard to re-train your body and tell your body that it doesn’t need to go to level 100 right now. This is only a level 31 problem, body! Stop sweating!

Yup. Father Greg wins again.

But there are times when my body doesn’t feel like a vessel to handle concerns and worries of the day. And I can just feel light and easy and strong. One of these is running. It’s repetitive. Shoes on feet, feet on sidewalk, down the hill and up the river. I talked about the importance of running/exercise for grief here and it remains true. Today I woke up at 5:20 and didn’t think. Shoes, sports bra already laid out in the hallway. Go, before your rational brain wakes up and tells you that running this early is nuts.

This might also be under the “nuts” category. But I LOVE crossing things off when they are done.

When I exercise I come back feeling like I have left a little of what I don’t want inside of me on the road. I have more space for fun, lightness and ease. Mom has been sick recently, in and out of a hospital and then a rehab center. And for the first time since I can remember, I ran on. I kept my schedule and switched my thinking to “how am I going to fit a run in today” instead of “I’ll see if I can fit a run in after everything is done and everyone is taken care of”. Having someone sick in your life creates this feeling like you are out of control. Running these early mornings doesn’t help me get control back, it’s helping me to see that I don’t need it.

When I run sometimes I picture others getting up, sneaking out before work or kids or parents call us back to take care of them. I picture us as a little team- high fiving each other each time we make it out the door. You got this. Keep trying.

Bonus animal mystery: what animal is that that lives a 4 minute run from my house? Yikes!