Did I Miss My Chance? Saying Goodbye During Coronavirus
Once a week my hair is not in ponytail so it’s important I document this.
“I love you Mom. Mom? Rita? I love you.” That’s me, yelling through Facetime at Mom (and also the aide who is holding the phone up so I can see Mom). It’s been six weeks since I’ve seen Mom in person. Six weeks of her getting sicker, losing weight. Six weeks for over 30 residents where she lives to test positive for COVID 19. Six weeks of us worrying that we missed our chance to be with Mom again. I know she is dying. I know she is on hospice. I just thought I would be there.
Instead I am here, eating breakfast in my car while pretending I’m at a coffee shop.
Not being able to see Mom in person is brutal. I’m worried about her and the care she is getting. I’m worried that she will die from this alone. I’m worried that I missed my window for saying goodbye in person. And I have that lonely feeling again- the one that makes me feel like I am the only one dealing with something like this. That this situation is unique to me and my family. But it’s not, right? It can’t be. When I hesitated to write this, because it’s too sad, Mario said “someone else is going through this and they want to know they aren’t alone either”. Six people have died at Mom’s facility already from Corona virus. Those six families didn’t get to be there either. And there will be more, I’m sure of it.
Last week one of my amazing friends and neighbors lost her dad to this virus. We had a neighborhood toast to him, spread out on opposite sides of the sidewalk.
I don’t know what to tell you because I think not being with someone you love as they are dying is a cruel thing. Necessary, and important and cruel. So much has been taken from my Mom, from us, from those who missed her voice and love over the last few years. But the timing of this crazy virus and social distancing at the same exact moment when we are losing our parent… well that’s just a kick in the cervix. That sounds gross right? And painful and stressful and kind of makes you want to low level barf? Well, now I’m not so alone in how I feel. Thanks for joining me!
How amazing is my son’s school? This is for lap top distribution day and I loved the reminder to the kids that they are all in this together.
I feel like I want to include something positive. Something to help us. So here is what I am thankful for that my Mom would be really happy about.
I’m home with my kids. And we are safe at home.
I’m doing some awesome art projects. Just this morning my son emptied a bottle of glue on a piece of paper. So that’s some sort of art. Maybe experiential?
FaceTime and Zoom calls do work with a mostly non verbal very late stage Alzheimer’s patient. Yes, they are awkward to have and it is weird to have someone listen as you yell through the phone and repeat yourself and have a one sided conversation. And still, it is better than not seeing the person you love. I’m so sorry you have to do this instead of being with them. I want to be with Mom too- just to be in her space.
I haven’t done this but I’m thinking about writing Mom a letter. Maybe it will be read to her by the staff. Or maybe she will just have it and I will know that my heart sent that message to her. Ug. That hurt to write. Feeling fart! Remember those? (Read about feeling farts here)
My husband and I are making this work. It’s not easy for us, or our kids or our jobs. But we are hanging in there and lowering standards and eating a lot of oatmeal dinners.
I can still go outside. Never has outside been more important.
I’m thankful for anyone for reading. And if you know someone that is away from a sick family member, let them know I’m there too, and they aren’t alone.
It’s not this hot here. It was just a random day that was sort of warm and they decided they were “at the beach”.