A sourdough bread break to talk about 11 years of marriage
Coming to your live, from my office/bed.
Six months before we got married Dad got sick. Not a little sick. Not a cold. But rather he’s at the gym and 24 hours later he is in the ICU with Guillain-Barre Syndrome. Never heard of it? We hadn’t either. And apparently neither had the physician at the smaller town hospital we were at who told us it was 3 or 4 other things and almost let my Dad die.
Dad was very sick for a long time. After a few days of him being intubated in the ICU, my fiancé at the time and I called our wedding vendors and asked for refunds. We unbooked the venue and cancelled the photographer and said it would have to wait “until Dad got better”. And so began a different phase of our relationship. The phase where we are building our life and my parents are sick.
It’s been a long phase you all. 11 and a half years to be exact. The whole marriage. Not to say that all of our time has been about that, because it certainly hasn’t. Or to say that we have been sad about that the whole time, because we certainly haven’t. But underlying our relationship, our marriage, there has been a constant current of worry, time, heartache, tears, grief and anxiety that comes with having someone you love be sick.
Me loving picking a Christmas tree outside in the freezing rain. Mario wondering why it’s not just as special to go to the hardware store, where they have heat. (Remember going inside places? That was fun.)
It’s there all the time, a constant pulse that gets louder and more demanding as illness flares and then stabilizes. And all the while the marriage continues. Recently I talked to a friend of mine from the lobby of a hotel we were staying at (Susanna Gilbertson - who we should all be seeing to help us through grief/life transitions). I was talking to her about grief (yes, of course this was over text! Don’t think I actually called her). I texted her a huge feeling fart (read what these are here) after not speaking with her for months. I was worried that my grief was too much and that I was too sad while visiting the place where my Dad’s ashes are and that my husband wouldn’t be able to handle it. I texted that I was worried that I should be “over it” by now and not be having such a big wave of grief. I should have know better about even trying to hold this in. He knew something was wrong from the moment I woke up. And I should have known because if you try to hold in farts they will just come out while you are sleeping and horrify your partner. Sorry love.
Speaking of bathrooms, I’m teaching my kids how to clean the toilet. We are not there yet.
Susanna texted back to trust my husband. She told me to “throw up” the feelings and let them be, knowing that we have enough of a foundation to stand on. she reminded me what I have learned in these 11 years of marriage and 11 years of having my parents be sick.
Your partner wants you to be happy. But they don’t want you to put on a “brave face” and fake that you’re happy because they can see right through that. And while I’m at it, don’t try to hide a moment of anxiety. Fear and shame are BESTIES with anxiety. When you hide that stuff, the fear and shame just make it bigger and bigger for you. Thanks a lot you jerks.
Don’t decide what your partner can and can’t handle. That is on them to tell you. Start by saying “I want to talk about some tough feelings about grieving” and go from there.
Losing a parent is a big deal. Losing two parents is not better. Some part of you will miss them forever, even if they weren’t the best. If they were the best, ew. That’s gunna hurt. You might feel jealous that your partner still has parents, and that is okay too. Talk to your counselor or best friend about that, because that’s tough for your partner to hear.
You might want to talk at length about the person you lost. The only people who want to talk AT LENGTH about that person are those that loved them like you did. That might not be your partner.
You are different now that you have endured big losses. That’s okay. The goal is not to get back to the “person you were”, either for yourself or for your partner. The goal is to keep being honest with where you are, and where you want you and your marriage to go.
You must set aside time to be sad. Yup, actually plan “sad” time. I try not to plan anything after visiting my mom, or having rough phone call. So I can get home and be a part of my family again. Truly, deeply a PART of our family and not just home. This isn’t always possible right now, and especially with little kids. So you might have to get up really early to get that time. Or stay up late. But don’t use this time to numb yourself watching “The Game” on Netflix. That doesn’t help you with the grief part. Use it to cry, to write, to hear the song that makes you sad. In the beginning even two minutes of quiet will feel awful. It’s ok. Do those two minutes. And next week you do 3 minutes.
If you are lucky enough to marry someone amazing, then you absolutely must put in the daily work of trying to give them some of your best. Your best jokes, your funniest story, your most tender and vulnerable moment, your best hug and your best sourdough bread.
