The after: taking vacations after loss
I got that hat at the grocery store. Which I went to after realizing the resort food was too expensive.
Ok, brief break from talking about grief and loss. No! Patti! More about grief and loss! Please! I’m sorry, but we need to talk about vacations!
Vacations? If you are at the point in your care-taking journey when you want to punch me in the face for talking about vacations, skip this one. There were moments where my brain couldn’t see to planning dinner, let alone planning a vacation. And when I would start to look a few months in advance I would always consider where we would be in losing Mom. I had some real terrible debates like “Well, what if Mom dies when we are on a cruise? Am I the worst daughter in the world if she dies and I’m eating ice creams while sailing the open seas (in an enormous boat). We should cancel, just in case.” Sometimes it was a time consideration “We are coming back from the beach and I’m so tired but Mom’s place is on the way back to Philly and I haven’t seen her all week. Maybe we should add on a visit to see Mom to this beach trip. It could be fun!” (It very rarely was fun, sadly). There are many reasons why we don’t travel when someone we love is sick (financial, logistics, respite care… just to name a few). I actually feel like I barely noticed if other people were traveling- it just wasn’t part of what I was thinking about.
This is the Tower of London. We learned about lots of beheadings. Most of which were for reasons like “women having an opinion” (aka, treason).
But now, in this “after” of care-taking, we are traveling. This summer we went to London and Mexico together as a family. Patti, are you some extreme baller with thousand of dollars under your mattress? Nope. Did you spend a lot on unexpected house repairs (I’m looking at you hot water heater, HVAC system, sewer pipe and dishwasher exploding) and strategically place these purchases to maximize credit card offers? YES! Do I want to sit you down in the corner and force you to listen to how this “travel hacking” concept works? YESSSSSSS! But I won’t. Or will I? If you’ve seen me in real life, you know I will attempt to talk to you about this because I want you to travel with me! My husband doesn’t want you to travel with us at all. He just wants to be by himself, the cute introvert.
He likes me a bit, but doesn’t want me around alllllll the time. :)
For those of you still care-taking right now… be gentle if you are still reading. It might not be the season. It wasn’t for me for a long time. I know that travel might even be currently impossible, terrible, or so guilt ridden that you haven’t even thought of it as an option. What used to be my “vacation” was much tinier in those days of heavy care. I had little breaks in the days, or the week, that helped me make it through. My husband often encourages me to ask myself how to make something easier and for those of you that are care-taking right now, that’s what I would encourage you to do as well. Sometimes what felt easier was getting to visit the way I wanted to- maybe with my kids as a distraction or maybe alone. Sometimes “easier” felt like having a partner that would drive the kids home so I could drive home crying on my own. Sometimes we made it easier by ordering dinner out instead of trying to cook for Mom- because then I could watch the kids and mom and not be distracted by cooking (and because we had unplugged the stove for safety). When Mom was on the skilled nursing floor, it was easier for me to eat a sandwich in the car before being with Mom, because the smell inside make me lose my appetite. Also, because I almost always want a sandwich.
This was a proud moment. Free drinks from the fridge and my grocery store sandwiches. Mario described this as one of the best things I’ve ever made but I think he was just hot and hungry.
We are in the “after” now. I’ve lost both parents and I’m not at the stage of grief where the loss has me tethered to sadness. Sadness is still here, but she’s not so loud. Grief is still here and comes on vacation with me at times. But I’m at a different stage. I’m going to say the thing that makes me a real jerk. There is a freedom in having lost both parents. What? If I get to feel pings of pain on birthdays, holidays, graduations and Tuesdays because my parents missed so much … well then, I get to feel some relief and freedom too. And because of that- there is this space in my brain where adventure lives now. There is space in my brain where seeing new parts of the world seems a bit more possible for me and my family.
I bought this shirt at a thrift store in London. It’s either amazing or terrible but NOTHING in between.
So this summer we traveled. Our bodies left our home and my mind left feeling guilty for this travel. Of course I am lucky to have done this (insert very long list of reasons why it’s a privilege to be able to travel). A long time ago, back before my kids asked questions like “are you going to paint those really shiny hairs sticking out of your head?”, I studied abroad. When I got home, all full of myself and pretending I now had a Spanish accent, my Mom asked me a million questions about the trip. At the end of the conversation she said “I’m just so glad you WENT”. If there is a universe in which she can see us, think she’d be really happy about us just GOING.
Stay tuned below if you want to be bored by a bit of info about how we used credit cards to travel. This morning I read the side of an oat milk bottle. So maybe you do want to read this.
Here are some basics:
Don’t ever get into credit card debit to do this.
This is going to take some planning on your part- about which cards to open and when.
Chase Sapphire Preferred is a great starting card and allows you to transfer to lots of partners (like Hyatt). If you want to use them, do your girl Patti a favor and use my referral link (it costs you nothing and gives me points that I promptly spend on travel like a greedy traveler). This card has a $95 dollar fee but then gives you a $50 travel credit. It is also key to have one of the Chase cards that has a fee so you can transfer your points.
Hyatt hotels have been really good to us. Except in Europe because they make you book 2 rooms for a family of 4! What???!!! This card has an annual fee. Which you will easily make up as it comes with a free night stay each year that is worth WAY more than that $95/year fee. Don’t believe me about Hyatt? We just stayed at the Hyatt Andaz Mayakoba for $0. It was 20,000 points a night. We each opened cards the Chase Sapphire cards above, getting us to 120,000 points total and “spent” them all at Hyatt like my son eats bubble gum- all at once. This was our first time doing a resort type stay using Hyatt points and they handed us the bill when we left and it was zero dollars and zero pennies. It kind of felt like I should tip toe out like the pink panther making a getaway but instead they handed me popsicles for the hot afternoon for the whole family. We spent money on food of course, but not having to pay for the hotel (or airfare) was such a savings.
American Airlines and/or British Airways worked for us. It’s easier if you pick an airline that has a hub at your local airline. Just having these cards means free baggage for each flight and when traveling with kids, this has been really helpful to us. If you pick British Airways, use this referral link please!
Check out the Travel Hacking Moms podcast, Travel Freely app and The Points Guy website. They are super helpful.