Hey- you need a plan for your Mother's Day. I made you one!
Hi,
Your Mom isn’t here, right? And you think that you can just roll into Mother’s Day without a plan. You silly goose. I thought this too. One Mother’s Day, I spent time crying in a parking lot while a security guard continued to ask me “if I had any business to attend to” in that apartment complex. Another Mother’s Day, I thought I was COMPLETELY FINE and just needed to work out and then I would feel great. I made it to the gym, gritted my teeth for a workout and then was a complete jerk for the rest of the day. Last year I asked my pretty great husband and kids not to celebrate me and just make the day about my Mother-In-Law. Then I got super mad later in the day that nothing was for me. I’m fun to be around, I promise!
For those of you moms grieving your Mom, it’s complex. I wrote about this last year: “Should I not be wearing a pastel, floral dress and a crown of flowers and receiving gifts with grace and poise?” (Mother’s Day Without A Mother). At the same time you are grieving your own Mom, there is some expectation of being gentle and thankful on Mother’s Day. And you might need to grieve- which is often mad, volatile, weepy, unpredictable and much better in sweatpants. Grief is a real jerk because there is no timeline. Maybe you were perfectly fine celebrating others last year- but this year you have been dreading Mother’s Day for months and can’t believe there is another one. I thought, since it’s been a few years, that I was fine and was going to give this information to you all without ever feeling anything myself. As if I was “past” all of my grieving. Then, yesterday, both of my kids were out of the house for an hour and I sat on the couch. And then just heaved sobs and looked at pictures and just shook my head at how SAD losing my Mom is.
I really wish this was staged. Instead it’s a candid shot of me being super chill on a hike.
For those of you that aren’t mothers- you too have a complex burden. You might have to celebrate someone you love that is a mom and feel like you should hide this burdensome longing for your own mom. The day might not be about you. You might have to orchestrate Mother’s Day magic even. But your grief and wanting for your Mom is very real and present.
I don’t wish my mom was here. She was really sick, and it was time. I wish she never got sick- that is for sure. I wish there was some sort of alternative universe where she didn’t get Alzheimer’s and was making cakes with my kids and teaching them how to paint. I can’t even imagine that.
Of one Mom’s paintings. She painted before we were born and then again, after retirement. She loved it.
So you have 6 days and you need a plan. Here are the first three steps you need to take:
Click the button above (or just scroll down) and download my “Mother’s Day Plan”. Yes, it’s fancy and I made it in CANVA. Think about the day and what is realistic for you. For example, I know my partner has to work on Mother’s Day, so I’m planning the day around that. I’m also injured (broken foot) so I need to be realistic that my usual go-to coping things (beach, running, hiking, long walks, sweating somehow) aren’t available to me right now.
Fill your mother’s day plan out. Don’t have a printer? Just write the prompts down in a journal, but actually answer them. When thinking about how you are going to honor your Mom, I don’t want to hear about your plans for the day before, or the week before. I want to know, on the actual day- what 5 minute ritual can you do to remember your Mom. Even if your relationship was complicated and I know mine got that way before my Mom died. Do you have something from your Mom? Can you read one of her old letters, or look at pictures with her in it? Do you want to eat her favorite breakfast or light a candle for her? Can you sit on your porch looking at your broken screen door and see if a cardinal comes around for five minutes? Maybe you can write her a letter or an email and send it to no one because no one can take the place of your mom. You aren’t trying to fill the hole- that’s not realistic. You are only planning this Mother’s Day. No need to set a million new traditions that you will be beholden to. You are just working on this one day and making it what you need-this year.
Tell those that love you what your plan is. Tell them if you are sad. Maybe meet up with other Mama-Loss friends. Ask for what you need and be really specific. No one around to make those things happen? Make them happen for yourself. Make yourself some french toast with the good bread. Order a meal to be delivered. Clean on Friday night so your weekend is free and the house is clean. You into puzzles? Me too.
You aren’t alone. I’m here too. I’m sorry your Mom isn’t with you. I bet she would be so proud of you.
This picture is from 2021- taken on my birthday by me. Because the same way you need a plan, I needed a plan in this moment. My mom was dying and it was my birthday and I couldn’t sit around and wait for someone to make my day great- I went for a hike/run (My feet worked back then). That’s the kind of plan I’m talking about. Don’t wait for others to make it happen.
